18th May ’18 | Twitter @ES_Humour | Contact us |Visit our Website

Written by a serving Prison Officer…

You Might Be a Prison Officer if:

You have the bladder capacity of five people.

You have ever restrained someone and it was not a sexual experience.

You believe that 25% of people are a waste of space.

You believe that another 25% of people are oxygen thieves.

Your idea of a good time is a cut up at shift change.

You’re suspicious of anyone who is remotely friendly to you.

Discussing blood and dirty protests over dinner seems perfectly normal to you.

You find humour in other peoples stupidity.

You have your weekends off planned for a year in advance.

You believe that a shallow gene pool should be grounds for imprisonment.

You believe that the government should require a permit to reproduce.

You believe that unspeakable evils will befall you if anyone says “quiet around here isn’t it?”

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Your diet consists of food that has gone through more processing than a computer can track.

You consider chocolate to be a food group.

Having a beer at 7am seems relaxing.

You have ever wanted to hold a seminar called “Suicide, getting it right the first time”.

You believe “Too Stupid to Live” should be a valid court outcome.

You have ever had to put the phone on hold before you begin to laugh uncontrollably.

You have heard the SO muttering down the landings, “Who is in charge of this mess anyway?”

When you mention vegetables, you’re not referring to a food group.

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You think caffeine should be available in IV form.

When a prisoner states “I have no idea how I got here” – neither have you and nor do you care.

It occurs to you suddenly one night that you are working in the twilight zone.

Your favourite hallucinogen is exhaustion.

You believe in aerial spraying of prozac.

You nodded and laughed at all of the above, and realised what a sick bunch we all are.

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