In times when the UK Government is spending less and less money on the UK’s emergency services, including the security services, a new approach to border security has become necessary in light of the recent demands from the French.
New plans unveiled today, mean that anyone in possession of a Stormtrooper outfit will be allowed to head over to France in order to act as a visual deterrent for would-be migrants who may, or may not, be looking to enter the UK for reasons other than to build a better life.
In an attempt to reach out to Storm Trooper ‘recruits’, the UK’s Border Agency will also have a stand at this years Star Wars convention in order to convince fans to don their costumes and head over to Calais ASAP.
Eager ‘professional’ storm troopers will be expected to make their own way across the Channel, as there is no money left in the pot to pay for their travel expenses. However, Lifeboat Crews on the South Coast have indicated their willingness to assist with the deployment.
Rupert Burke, a regular in the League of Professional Storm Troopers said: “we are well-versed with the sort of tactics and techniques necessary in order to ensure that effective crowd control is maintained and ensured.
In particular, we have been simulating crowd dispersal techniques at a local paintball arena, using real paint, in order to try and prepare for as many different scenarios as possible. We are ready. And we are eager. We just can’t afford to get there yet”.
Some Politicians, however, have voiced their concerns over the potentially oppressive impression that the storm trooper ‘uniforms’ may have in relation to perceived ‘customer’ engagement.
In response to these concerns, a new ‘ customer friendly’ Stormtrooper uniform has been designed so that units deployed in Calais can be more “approachable”
Monsieur Garcon, a resident of Calais spoke exclusively to Emergency Services Media, and said:
“Il est temps que vos cochons anglais envoient plus de gens ici, pour aider à arrêter la vague de gens qui viennent à calais, dans l’espoir de faire la Grande-Bretagne. Qu’est-ce que les médias des services d’urgence sont quand même? Tu parles et ressemble à une bande de clowns” (at the time of going to press, we do not have the budget for a translator who speaks french).
We do not know what Monsieur Garcon actually said, but he was very passionate about making his point to our roaming correspondents.
Subscribe to our fortnightly satirical Digital Magazine, S__ts & Giggles, for more interesting stories and blogs.
It only costs £1 / $1 / €1 per month to subscribe, and your subscription will help us to hire a translator in order to know what Monsieur Garcon was talking about. CLICK HERE to help us out by subscribing. Bonjour!
Before you go...
We need your help. As former emergency services & armed forces personnel, we pride ourselves on bringing you important, fast-moving and breaking news stories & videos which are free from the negative bias which is often directed at the emergency services & NHS by some sections of the mainstream media.
One of the reasons we started 'Emergency Services News' back in 2018 was because we became tired of reading badly informed stories about the emergency services & NHS which seemed only ever to highlight negative aspects of the job.
We want to be the unheard voice of the remarkable men and women who serve in the emergency services, NHS and armed forces. And with around 500k page views each month, we are getting there!
As income from ads, the mainstay source of income for most publishers, continues to decline; we need the help of you, our readers.
You can support emergency services news from as little as £1. It only takes a minute. Every contribution, however big or small, is vital for our future.
Please help us to continue to highlight the life-saving work of the emergency services, NHS and armed forces by becoming a supporter.
