Its that time of year again, when the country (UK) grinds to a halt following the recent snowfall. Thousands of drivers are expected to head out into the snow, in order to test their vehicles 4×4 capabilities in snow which has reached a depth of 0.7 cm in places.
However, this practice is leading to a spike in accidents, as 98% of 4×4 drivers do not know how to handle their vehicles, having only ever previously used their 4×4 in large puddles.
In order to combat this, we have seen a leaked email (sent via the PNN email Network) that has asked for Officers, who are on their rest days, to return to work where cordless hairdryers will then be issued to them prior to the Officers being sent to snow ‘hot spots’ where they will be tasked with melting the snow.
Our anonymous informant went on to state: “people are being offered double bubble [double time] in order to come into work and start melting the snow so that eager drivers are not tempted to head out in their cars and drive like muppets”.
There have even been reports, that Elite Detectives are going to be put back into Uniform, so that the source of the recent snowfall can also potentially be tracked down. However, this cannot be confirmed and has been assessed by our team as being ‘LOB’ [Load of Bo**ocks].
The team at Emergency Services Humour heard from a MOP [Member Of the Public] who messaged us stating: “this is wrong [the snow]. It’s the Polices fault – they should be out there, melting the snow so that I can get to my morning Yoga Class – it’s a disgrace”.
Some enterprising Police Forces across the Country have even started to bottle up the snow rather than melt it, and sell it on eBay in order to try and raise some much-needed cash for new response vehicles. We have heard that these bottles of (melted) snow are going for as much as £1,000 in countries such as Dubai.
The snow melting operation is expected to last well into the night, as thousands of over-worked Police Oppos are sent into affluent areas of the country, so that the residents therein do not have to get annoying slush on their Ugg Boots.
If you see Police Officers walking around, armed with cordless hair dryers, then please do not approach them and ask them to have your photograph taken in the form of a ‘selfie’. This could lead to the officers concerned being brought up before Professional Standards for bringing the Service into disrepute.
This fake news article was written by Cop(ex). An Admin of Emergency Services Humour and regular contributor to our Digital satirical Magazine, affectionately titled, ‘S__ts & Giggles’. Click here in order to subscribe –> >>> join the banter <<<