In the interests of Equality I feel compelled to lift the lid on some of my own acts of sheer stupidity, while wearing my super hero uniform.
I have all too often lambasted the Public and Criminal Fraternity for their own acts of idiocy and sheer WTF are you doing. However, I believe that what goes around comes around. So in an effort to wipe my Karmic slate clean, here are some of my less finer moments in Blue…
- Locking myself out of the station in which I work. Now, you would think that I would have learnt the first time. No. I am a male so it takes a little longer. Second time…not quite. Third time. The penny is starting to drop. The unfortunate thing is that in the space of one single weekend I locked my self out three times over three days. But this wasn’t an isolated incident…Oh no. On one occasion I happened to be the sole Cop working. So I rock on up…bugger. No key…again. A brain wave, I’ll call Comms. Bugger. Phone is inside the station. Hmmm. As I sit there contemplating my next move my Boss drives in the car park. Not any Boss mind you, its my Area Commander. ‘Hey Boss, I appear to have locked myself out, can you please let me in…’ was somewhat embarrassing to say. The kind chap just pulled out his key, told me to have a good shift and pooled off. Or there was the very recent time, when once again, I had locked myself out. Thankfully my Sgt lives nearby. So I have to knock on his door and wake him up. He’s as sick as the proverbial pig. Complains he’s been up all night. Was trying to sleep in and wasn’t coming in to work. But seeing as I had woke him up he would now come in…I really know how to make friends and influence people. I somehow doubt I will ever learn the key lesson
- The car bonnets here are very long. Now coming from the old country where I drove a Focus, I really hadn’t taken into account that a Holden Commodore has a Bonnet that is infinitely larger. One of my first ever jobs here was a Domestic in a Library. As I pull up into the car park, I seem to have misjudged ever so slightly the distance from the bonnet and the wall of the library. It was the rather loud bang/crash as I collided with said wall that caused quite a stir. So in the best fashion of ‘Nothing to see here’, I alighted from my fine Chariot pretending that, no I had not just driven into the library and nobody here had seen it. Sadly the town was packed and everybody saw it.
- Reversing sensors are a godsend. One normal day, I noticed my wagon needed fuel. So after having filled up, I reversed into a parking space. Now the old car I was driving lacked reversing sensors. Now, I am sure some idiot moved the sodding great big wall behind me at the last moment. As the crunch of the boot resonated around the forecourt, I looked up and saw nobody had noticed. Except for the one single patched gang member. Yes the only to see was a Bikie. He was wetting himself laughing. So I stroll up to him as staunch as I possibly can. Square up to him, look him in the eye and say – ‘You can have that one on me’ and casually strolled off as he is still there pissing his pants.
- If its stuck, its probably stuck for a reason. I recall one afternoon I had been entrusted with a brand new car, literally two days old. We had just asked up from an Alcohol Check point and I was packing away my cones. I had placed my breathalyser on the boot lid…and forgot about. I popped the boot to put my cones away, but for some reason my boot wouldn’t close. So I did the sensible thing and gave it a good couple of pulls down. Which was followed by the inevitable CRACK. Then it dawned on me that my breathalyser was on the lid. So I peered over the boot lid. Oh shit. The lovely pristine rear window was now in about four million pieces. I’d managed to wedge the breathalyser against the window…So called my sage who about 20 metres away. ‘Sarge got an issue with the car…’ Cakes were in order as was a new window.
- When you’re burning cannabis off, always stay UPWIND. Now we don’t have a flash incinerator in these more rural areas. We rely on Diesel and an oil drum. So one afternoon, myself and a Sargie had to burn some very good quality weed. It was all going well until the wind changed direction. We were soon engulfed in a cloud that Cheech and Chong would have been proud of. Wherever we moved, it moved. I retreated to my desk…then the realisation dawned on me like the sun rise. SHIT. I. AM. STONED. Not just any stoned though. Oh no, I had been like this since the old Rave days of the late 80’s! Now I can say that being sat in a Police station, wearing a Police uniform and being stoned did bring on a certain amount of paranoia. Shit, every one knows I’m stoned. They’re all looking at me. Act normal…shit. I can’t. Bollocks. Im hungry. Can’t walk anywhere. Crap. And thus it continued. I caught a glimpse of the Sarge, who as it happens was also a Rave Child. He was going through the same thing! After an hour it finally wore off enough for me to move and find food!
So, these are just a couple of examples of some of the dumb stuff I have done. There is far more. Much of which I have put out of my mind, because frankly, I’d rather not remember all that…
Basking in your own stupidity is a great leveller and reminds me that, while I am as damn near perfect as any human can ever get, I do make the occasional stuff up. Unfortunately mine are always very noticeable, usually in public and will always end in my own humiliation.
So from a very hot and sunny NZ…have a wonderful quiet shift
– NZCop
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