This morning, we received some information that the Ministry of Morale has been thinking about issuing morale injections to overworked & underpaid NHS Staff. Our informant told us, that the Ministry have been secretly trialling these self administered injections at a disused Military base, somewhere in the Countryside.
Our informant stated: “it would appear that the Ministry of Morale have, for some time, been testing these injections on other parts of the emergency services”. He/She continued: “it is expected that when a member of staff starts to feel that their morale is dropping, owing to, for example, being abused by patients, then they [the staff] will be expected to retreat to a staff toilet somewhere, and inject themselves with the morale injection”.
It is not clear, at this point, as to what concoction of chemicals are being used in the injections. Our insiders at the Ministry have mooted that the substances contained in the injection, could be a combination of LSD and [pure] cocaine, although this has not been confirmed by our source.
A source embedded deep within the NHS told us that: “low morale can be a real issue. Time and time again, staff become disillusioned with the layers and layers of Management, who have become transfixed with putting data into spreadsheets, in order to meet targets which have no place in the health sector. Targets are for businesses, and the NHS is NOT a business.”
We contacted the Ministry of Morale, and asked them for clarification in relation to their proposals.
Although no-one was available for immediate comment, an intern (based at the Ministry of Morale) stated: “I do not see what the issue is? Morale is secondary to anything else. You become a Health Care professional because you want to help people, dont you? But I think that these morale injections might go some way to assisting those who have joined the profession for the wrong reasons” (this statement was later withdrawn).
We asked the Intern if he had any experience of working in the NHS. His response was quite shocking. He said: “you do not need any experience in the healthcare sector to know that the best way to maintain morale, is just to keep putting the pressure on so that when Health Care Sector staff go home in the evening, then they can be rest-assured that they have put in a decent days work”.
When we asked what would happen in incidences where staff have a fear and/or phobia of needles, the intern at the Ministry of Morale said: “this is something we are yet to consider, but we have scheduled daily meetings with Management Consultants over the next year in order to work out a solution”.
When we enquired as to how much was being spent on these meetings, we were told by the intern, in no uncertain terms, that the amount would be “considerable” but that, if needed, the “Boss of the Bosses” would loan the NHS his own money, from his large ‘coffers’, with a discounted rate of interest (not exceeding 1,000%).
Our astute and regular readers will know however, that we already have fortnightly ‘morale injections’ (without the need for needles) in the form of our Digital Magazine entitled ‘S__ts & Giggles’. If you have a fear of needles (or staff toilets) but you still want regular morale injection, then you can subscribe to our Digital Magazine by clicking here —>