After a number of cockwombles called Cheshire Police over the weekend to complain about Mo Farah winning the Sports Personality of the Year Award, a decision has been made to send the time-wasters to the world’s most isolated Island. Indefinitely.
The numpties will be sent to a little-known Island in the South Atlantic called Tristan da Cunha where, it is hoped, they will no longer pose any sort of nuisance to either themselves, or anyone else around them. Especially the Police.
Tristan da Cunha is not your typical island. There are no restaurants. There are no hotels. Credit cards are not accepted, the beaches aren’t safe for swimming, and every month brings between 17 and 26 days of rain. Smack-dab in the middle of the island lies a giant volcano.
A spokesperson for the Ministry of Morale said: “If you are stupid enough to think that the Police care about who has won the Sports Personality of the Year Award, then you do not deserve to be a part of this society. What Idiot actually thinks that this could ever be classed as a matter for the Police?” our insider said.
Upon arrival at Tristan da Cunha, the personnel concerned with wasting the Polices’ time will be given ample time to reflect upon their ridiculous & woeful actions.
It is not known, at this stage, as to whether or not the exiled individuals will be given the opportunity to ever re-integrate back into our society. And anyone who has seen the film ‘Shipwrecked’ will know that isolation is sometimes the best way of reflecting upon one’s silly actions.
The money for the one-way tickets to the lacklustre Islands will be raised via a whip-around from the staff manning the Police Control Room where the calls were received.
A member of staff working at the control room, who wishes to remain anonymous said: “I am trying to work out, what motivates someone to think that the Police give two hoots about who wins the Sports Personality of the Year award? The mind boggles”.
Although it is yet to be confirmed, there have been rumours that anyone who subscribes to our satirical Digital Magazine, S__ts & Giggles, will be able to get exclusive access to webcams which will be set up on the Island to monitor the progress of its newest residents.
If indeed they are set up, then the webcams will have one-way speakers through which subscribers will be able to offer ‘words of encouragement’ to the cockwombles.
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I so wish it was true!