This has been written by an anonymous paramedic with the pen name of ‘Para Fear’.
We will add a link to their social media page at the end of this article:
“Out of the last 19 days I’ve worked 17 of them, some 10hrs some 12hrs and some more than that. I’m not sure how much more of this I can take.
I work because I can, I work because at this moment I have not got symptoms of the virus.
Before I leave to go to work I have to give myself a stern talking to, I don’t want to leave the house, I want to crawl back into bed to hide.
Hide from my reality, hide from the silent virus that is killing so many, the virus that is not discriminating of age, race, religion, gender or social standing.
When we arrive on scene, to attend to the patient that is gasping for breath, they can’t understand that we aren’t grabbing our equipment and heading in to treating their loved ones, but instead donning a paint of gloves, a flimsy apron, a face mask that will not protect us for more than 5 minutes and goggles that don’t fit.
They don’t understand and neither do I if I’m honest, the PPE is not fit for front line workers.
The ones who are most at risk from contracting this virus, the ones who walk into the unknown, but still we do.
We do this every time we get on scene to every job we attend until thankfully our day is over.
When eventually the shift ends I come home to an empty house, I come home to sit in silence by myself because I don’t want to be a burden to those I care about.
I don’t want them to hear me crying, I don’t want them to hear the despair in my voice and the hopelessness I feel.
I jump in the shower, this helps to drown out the noise of my crying so my neighbours don‘t hear me.
I go to bed and although I’m exhausted and desperate to close my eyes and rest, the emotions of the day haunt me. This happens every day, I just wanted it to stop.
Tonight I felt that I couldn’t go through this all again, tonight I made the decision to stop the pain for good. After More tears and finally a moment of clarity, thank god, I got rid of the tablets and decided to write this post.
I have done this anonymously to help me process, to help others know that they are not alone in their feelings of despair and hopelessness.
I don’t want people to give me advice or sympathy, we are all in this together.
I just want to give my support to anyone who needs it right now.
Stay safe and look after each other”
xx
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