It used to take at least TWO YEARS to become a TRAINEE DETECTIVE. Now you become one in THREE MONTHS!


Screen Shot 2018-06-11 at 10.36.06

11th June ’18  | Twitter @ES_Humour | Contact us |Visit our Website


Due to the MASSIVE shortfall in the number of detectives, you could now become one in THREE MONTHS… Having had ZERO experience in Policing.


‘Graduates’ can now be trained to become detectives in just 12 weeks under a controversial new plan being introduced by the Home Office.

The common-sense-defying move is being rolled out as part of a £350,000 fast-track training programme which could see ‘detective’ numbers rise by up to 1,000 in the next five years,

It used to be the case, that you would have to finish your two years’ worth of ‘on the job’ training before you could even think of applying to become a trainee detective.

This two year ‘probation’ forms a VITAL and incredibly important part of understanding the ‘basics’ of Policing which are essential to the effective investigation of serious offences.

This reaction seems to have come about following a stark and worrying warning by the HM Inspectorate of Constabulary and Fire & Rescue Services that England & Wales now have a shortfall of 5,000 detectives.

Something the Inspectorate has described as a “national crisis”.



May Top Sellers Blurred

(the profanities, for the purpose of this advert, have been blurred out)



Part of the reason for the huge shortage, notwithstanding the ridiculous cuts which Police Forces across the county have had to endure, is down to the fact that many Detectives have been deployed in the fight against terrorism and, as an example, dozens of Detectives have also been ‘swap drafted’ for the Grenfell Tower enquiry.

These factors, combined with the fact that the private sector has been hoovering up experienced detectives owing to much better pay and working conditions, has meant that specialist criminal investigation departments across the country are short-staffed.

As an example, each Police Officer in the Metropolitan Polices’ Sexual Offences Investigation Team is now having to investigate, on average, between 25-35 crimes EACH.

Investigating even just two less-seriously crimes is time-consuming enough, let alone Officers having to juggle and manage up to 35 serious sexual offences crimes EACH.

This ridiculous workload, along with poor people management, has meant that many Officers in morale-depraved departments such as the Met Polices’ Sexual Offences team are now also off work due to stress-related illnesses.

Police Now, an independent charity, will apparently get £350,000 for the programme in addition to the £2.8million which has already been promised by the Home Office for 2018/19.

According to their website Police Now:

‘has a ‘mission is to transform communities, reduce crime and increase the public’s confidence in policing. How? By recruiting and developing a diverse group of individuals to be leaders in society and on the policing frontline.

Our two-year national leadership programme trains outstanding graduates to become Police Officers and transform communities. Not just for people today but for generations to come’.

It is unclear as to whether or not these new ‘detectives’ will undertake the ‘two-year national leadership programme’ BEFORE undertaking the additional three months of training or if University graduates will just been given three months training prior to being accepted into the echelons of ‘Police Detective’.


Embroidered Kit Bags

Check out our range of personalised and non-personalised kit bags, starting from just £14.99p !! SHOP NOW —>



Policing Minister Nick Hurd, told Sky News:

“I’m keen to get more new detectives trained up, so I’m delighted to support this innovative Police Now programme, which will bring in new talent, train detectives in a matter of months and complement other measures that the government and police are taking to keep the public safe.”

The programme will apparently also include ‘digital training, ‘problem-solving’ as well as ‘crime prevention’ and safeguarding’.

David Spencer, co-founder and chief executive of Police Now, went on to tell Sky News:

“As a former detective myself, I understand the positive impact that detectives can have on reducing crime, increasing confidence in communities and protecting the most vulnerable in society.

“Working with forces and the Home Office, we hope this new scheme will encourage a new group of diverse and brilliant individuals to enter the police service and contribute to the outstanding work being done by existing detectives up and down the country.”

Chief Constable Matt Jukes, the National Police Chiefs’ Council lead for detectives, said:

“In order to mirror the changing nature of crime, we need to recruit and develop a diverse group of individuals, who will contribute to this vital area of policing and its future, underlining the critical nature of effective investigations to public confidence and trust.”

Let us know what YOU think in the comments below!

Whilst you are here, we have a quick favour to ask! 

Acting as the unofficial and no-nonsense voice of the emergency services, NHS and armed forces takes up a considerable amount of time and effort. Time and effort which we are not paid for.

We do not have any ‘paywalls’ in place to read our articles, so we have to instead rely on contributions from our readership in order to help keep us going! Without your support, then we cannot achieve and carry on our mission of being the voice for they who are not officially ‘allowed’ to have such a voice. 

Please consider supporting our work, by helping us to achieve our crowdfunding target – CLICK HERE 



Got a story or a video to share? You can contact our team (anonymously) at any time – we are the ONLY “information” outlet trusted by serving and former emergency services, NHS and armed forces personnel – contact our team –> 

 (c) Copyright 865 Digital Media Limited 2018




Let us know what YOU think in the comments below!